Feeling Uncomfortably Alive

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I want to slip back. After an entire year of not living in permanency I was just given the news this morning that it will be many more months before I attain that desired status again. My heart became heavy with disappointment and I mentally began thinking about all the anticipated settling in and visitors that I had my heart set on. I slipped into the shower and began to bemoan my situation. As is often the case when I’m in the shower I hear God’s voice. You do too. Perhaps it’s the fact that the water shuts out the world and the steady patter of “head noise” is drowned out. “You’re okay,” God said, “you have everything you need.” “I suppose you’re right,” I reluctantly agreed, “but I need to be in my own space with my life and possessions nicely settled around me.” “Why?” God said.
You see my life has never been static and since I turned 40 a decade ago my life has been a steady series of somersaults. I began to embrace those changes and recognize that the more I took risks, pushed myself to try new things, went new places, and met new people, I was a more “alive” person. I also began to discover who I was created to be and what my purpose on earth was to be. And in doing so, I learned to put myself aside more and become insanely curious and empathetic towards others. Do not be fooled, however, into thinking that this was a beautiful, creative surge forward.  It was often stunted and ugly and marred by the nature of my humanity.
But I want to slip back. It feels so good nestled inside that warm hoodie that comforts me and feels the “same.” Why does my soul yearn for sameness? Because it means that things are constant, easy, and without much thought or intention. God does not want me there. It is “there” that I am useless to Him. Only when I am “outside of me” is He able to get my attention and begin piecing the fabric of me into a dynamic and beautiful quilt that can warm and inspire other human beings.
In a few months, I will be “nesting” in my new home. God will not deny me that because He loves me with an incomprehensible love. But my real home is being prepared now with Him in His heavens. I am never to get comfortable here on this earth. God will see to that. Just when I begin to slip back into sameness……He will send fireworks……..and I will become alert and useful again.


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